Frustrated and Chewed off!

ARGHHHHHHHHHH I hate my dad sometimes! He is so infuriating, besides the fact that he abandoned my sister by law(officially said he had three children), and that he almost killed my mother.

I think there is seriously something wrong with me...? I mean, I was so stressed that I started to cling on to every happy moment I have, I almost cried during dinner because my dad was so irritating and so traditional, but I held it in. Eating dinner alone with him is not a pleasant experience at all. I will never cry in front of my dad, ever. I hardly cry in front of anyone. There was once I overheard a conversation between my brother and my mother(?).

Bro: Nienyuan never cries, ever. I have never seen her cry in my life.

After hearing this I was of course elated to be thought of so highly by a brother who normally hated me and also was so much older. But sad to say I couldn't feel half the pride he felt for me, because I myself knew that I am a weak person, I cry very easily and get hurt more than it is normal. But all this is hidden under the curtains, when I am alone and safe. But sometimes the hurt gets so painful I sob so much that in these moments my sister or mother or anyone whose at home will look for me and comfort me. Only these times and some rare others do I get solace. Nowadays I am more open about my feelings and cry when I need to which is healthy, but I will never show my weak side to anyone other than my closest, CLOSEST friends and immediate family. Not even Johannes or Aurial have seen me cry. I have never cried in school since K1, even when I get hurt in a game or fight.

All this shows my weakness, not my strength.

" I don't want a weak heart that can't cry, or the strength not to cry..." -Ayu

I am the weak heart tt cannot cry and dare to show my feelings to everyone. I feel that once I do that, my reputation will be damaged and my friends will leave me. This is true weakness, and I want to change that. I want to have the confidence to be able to cry when I want to and not care about who is going to think I'm weird or stupid.

Tt's why I love my dog so much.

Today I was painting board. I stained my already badly stained skirt and shirt. Hallelujah!